My last relationship ended much like they all do - I had the graphic realization that I was dating a conniving whore, and things came tumbling down faster than a game of Jenga between two cerebral palsy patients.  For one reason or another, I continually find myself in this situation with every girl I decide to become romantically involved with.  I suppose one reason could be that all females are, indeed, manipulative, heartless, cum buckets.  Bitter, you say?  Me?  Noo, never!  Okay, maybe I’m a little bitter.  But, much like the lime to a stiff shot of tequila, there is a foolproof remedy for the bitterness of a breakup.  Finding yourself a suitable rebound girl/guy is the first step towards keeping your sanity and getting over that filthy, no good ex of yours.  On this particular night, I was the mother fucking Dennis Rodman of rebound girls.

After the usual breakup banter, I stiffened my upper lip and acquired my antidote of choice: a bottle of merlot, which I decided I would singlehandedly finish before sunset and see where the rest of the evening took me.  After popping the cork and mixing a few anonymous narcotics with my vino, I was beginning to get sloppier than a threesome involving Lindsay Lohan, Courtney Love, and an 8-ball of blow.

About three-quarters of the way through my bottle, I took a swig and completely missed my mouth, sending a waterfall of red wine down my neck and onto my crisp white V-neck tee.  Normally, something like this would throw me into a fit of rage, leading to the destruction of home furnishings and possibly ruining my night.  However, when I went into the bathroom to change my shirt, what I discovered was a surefire sign from the Gods.  Looking into the mirror, I saw that my spill had left a stain on my shirt in the shape of a nearly perfect exclamation point.  Intoxicated and excited, I snapped a picture.

...About Commitment.


We all deal with the concept of commitment differently. There are those who avoid commitment at any cost, there are those who are willing to commit to the next person who smiles back, and everything in between.  Regardless of where we fall along this spectrum, what we all want is love, affection, and someone to do something with. Before you next have to consider commitment, just know that there is a secret tool we use in conflict resolution which can help you out; it’s called “Interests vs. Positions.”

2. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

3. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.

4. Don't cut your hair. Ever.

5. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!

6. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

7. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

8. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

Women and men can be completely platonic best friends under one condition: If both parties share an unwavering preference for the cock.

That's right the verdict is in, ladies and gentlemen, and I'm laying down the law Judge Judy style (because no one messes with that bitch). Women and men can absolutely NOT be just really good friends.

Ladies:

Ask any guy friend of yours what he thought of you upon first meeting you. I guarantee it was something like this: