| A Female's Guide To Fuck Buddy Etiquette |
 There’s only one thing that brings me as much, if not more, joy in this world than alcohol and special brownies. And that ‘thing’ is simply a damn good porking. Before I elaborate any further on this topic, let’s take a moment to examine the cold hard facts: single people need to get laid too. And since none of the Philly singles I know fancy themselves Jonas Brother’s types; the idea of celibacy is about as appealing as tea bagging David Hasslehoff. (Note: if you had to think about the appeal in this previous statement feel free to stop reading now. I’m fairly certain that we’ll never see eye to eye) Whether you want to admit it or not, the one thing a person tends to miss in a previous relationship is the guarantee of a good banging on a fairly consistent basis. Without having to pay for it. And when you wake up one morning to find that the free pussy/cock is gone, the world appears just a few shades darker. Inevitably, since all the happy tissue time in the world cannot solve this pressing issue, one must take the time to invest in a fuck buddy. Although the concept of being single and getting laid with no strings attached should be a God-send to anyone with genitalia; one terrible breed of people stand in the way of that. They surround us on a daily basis, blow up our phones, stalk our Facebook profiles, and worst of all: try to cuddle with us every chance they get. Some call these people ‘the sensitive types.’ I give them a much more suiting title of clingy bitches! I feel it is my public service to rid the world of these mid-fuckingly annoying creatures. This responsibility led me to conducting extensive research on the area, and I have much to report. So whether you have a clingy bitch on your hands, or think that you might be infected with this obnoxious condition; please take a moment to read the handbook I put together below. It may truly make the world of fuck buddies a safer place for us all; and finally allow us to fuck in peace. Fuck Buddy Etiquette for the Clingy Bitches: The Handbook Before I get into the handbook there are a couple of things I need to establish: A) Yes, men can also be clingy bitches. Don't believe me? I can introduce you to a few. As I've said in the past: "clingy men are a turn off, if I wanted to snuggle with a vagina for a few hours I'd fall asleep looking down." B) Fuck Buddies are not to be mistaken with 'Friends/Acquaintances with benefits' (occasionally fucking people you actually enjoy spending some time with) or 'One night stands' (fucking people once you will never see or hear from again). These are two equally special relationships that will be elaborated upon at a later date. After I do some more extensive research. Why? Because I care. C) If you don't think you are a clingy bitch and fully disagree with all points bellow, you’re perhaps the worst kind of them all. I highly suggest for you to undergo additional training before putting an ad out for a fuck buddy. Steps on how to pick+maintain a fuck buddy: 1) Before you begin your search make sure you are NOT looking for a relationship. Not sure? This will help: You can have no internal desire to cuddle (gag), hold hands, have romantic dinners, or daily phone conversations with a person of opposite genitalia. There are no exceptions here. Remember fuck buddies are perfectly ok without hearing your voice unless it's screaming "Fuck me!" or any other variation of that. If you do talk to excess don't be surprised if they try to convince you that gagging is a fetish of theirs... they just need you to shut the fuck up, and sticking a dick in your mouth is just not doing the trick. The one exception is that you may speak about sports if you’re into them, also makes a great "balls" segway is many cases. 2) Pick someone you are physically attracted to. This may seem like a no-brainer to some but none of this "Buttt I like his/her personality!!!!" bullshit is acceptable. Your personality is about as important as a transsexual man's ball sack at this point. They can take it or leave it and vice versa. Beauty on the 'inside' only counts if you are referring to the 'inside' of someone's pants. 3) To elaborate on the last point I would in fact recommend someone you don't even fucking like that much. This is NOT your friend or acquaintance you occasionally fuck, this is someone you will be seeing weekly. Having a good time together anywhere else but bed is harmful. It is important to find conversations with a door more interesting than with this person in order to tame your clingy side. 4) Proximity is important; no one wants to drive more than 20 minutes to get off. We all have shit to do. For example in those 20 minutes alone I can finish off a bottle of wine while polishing my dildo collection which I proudly display in my china cabinet. 5) Establish that ALL you will be doing is fucking. No movies and no dinners. Eat on your own time. There is only one thing that you should be eating/swallowing and it is not featured on restaurant menus. 6) Texts are acceptable but should resemble something along the lines of "Fuck me stupid!" or "Let's play army, you lie down and I'll blow the shit out of you" or "Let's play Titanic, I yell 'ICEBERG' and you go down" 7) Take your own car/cab to the location of the fuckathon. No one wants to pick your ass up unless there is some sort of road head involved. Also, this way you can cum and leave as you please. Pun intended. 8) Be aggressive. Don’t wait for the guy to make the first move. It's not gonna suck itself ladies! 9) Make sure the boning is good. It has to get the job done, both parties MUST cross the finish line. 10) Missionary position is unacceptable, we're not making love here people. I suggest doggy. This way instead of gazing into each other's eyes, you can bite into a pillow and muffle your screams... but enough about me. 11) There is absolutely no cuddling under any conditions! Ever. Nothing more than the 3-5 minutes of settling down and catching your breath. Then you get the fuck out of there faster than an Olympic runner. There is no reason for you to stick around for longer unless you need an ice pack for some sort of head board injury you suffered. 12) I cannot stress again how as fuck buddies we DO NOT spend the night! No one wants to see your ugly mug in the morning. 13) Lastly, ladies listen up! It's true what they say, two heads are ALWAYS better than one. So invest in two fuck buddies. Pick a favorite and use the second one as a back up plan, or in case of emergencies. Follow all these rules and you might actually stand a chance of getting laid on a regular basis by someone that doesn't just want to stick a cock in your mouth for the sole purpose of shutting you up. And remember: keep dating, relationships, and rings off your mind! (unless of course they are cock rings) Get to FUKING folks! For more Elina blogginess... go here ---> http://nocuddlinginthechampagneroom.com/ © Elina Says Share this with your favorite social websites          Comments (8)LOVE the Advice!!!
Ok, this advice is perfect...in fact I plan on forwarding to a few men
,
January 10, 2010
If it were only so easy!
As a male in my early forties, who has been around the block a few times, I believe there are a few thing that were left out.
First, there has to be a limit with the uck buddy because from experience, a women, after about 6 months usually wants a relationship even if it was her idea to become uck buddies to begin with. Some guys will too but mostly women who begin to realize "they will never buy the milk if the cow is free". Arrgghh, I hate that, who is ucking a bovine anyway. Second, unfortunately you have to protect yourself(sexually for those who think they can remain cootie free by using the pull out method and still take STD's for granted) not only does a prophylactic usually do its job(see Fools Rush In), but it also makes the act less personal. Yeah Yeah, We All Know Condoms Suck! Third, when you have more than one uck buddy, keep all conversations to an extreme minimum as to not cross up the two and forget who you ucked last night or the week before last after that night at your girlfriends pleasure party with the gay d*ck sucking instructor who showed you what was wrong with your technique and properly showed you how to reduce or even eliminate your gag reflex. Opps, sorry this one was told to me by a VERY good friend. I digressed, but back to the point, you want to keep everything separate because after a while it will begin to run together. Fourth, kissing should be no more than a beginning peck and never afterword. The motto should be get it in, get off, get out! But for the guys, cannot stress this enough, IF SHE DOESN'T GET OFF, SHE WILL NOT BE YOUR UCK BUDDY FOR LONG. Just in case that wasn't clear, if you bust before her, you will not have her as an uck buddy for long. Whether it is realized or not, kissing is one of the greatest forms of intimacy and that is what you avoid like the plague with your uck buddy. Fifth and finally, both males and females keep it as Primal as possible. Part of the allure of your uck buddy is that there is an overwhelming amount of lust involved. Don't be afraid to be rough,were not talking Mike Tyson ear biting, but lusty rough. Ass smacking, hair pulling, spit for lube an lots of verbal jousting, keeps things super hott, and isn't that the point. In conclusion, if women or men don't want whats offered from being an uck buddy, they will get a significant other or pull out the tissues or  back massager. Johnny Whitehead
,
October 07, 2009
really?
how do you figure? I think she's got pretty good suggestions on how to keep a potentially disastrous situation, under control. maybe you're a little too up-tight?
,
September 28, 2009
LOL
omg, clingy b****** are everywhere where i live. I wish they were like you, because that would be awesome!.
,
August 19, 2009
...
Love the blog. I couldn't of said it better if I tried.
God, I JUST got myself one of these clingy b***hes. He was 100% fine until 2 days ago, when he apparently myspace stalked me and found out I'm f**king a few different people. Now he's laying claim. Wants to STAY at my place. Wants to see me EVERY NIGHT. What. The. f**k.
,
June 19, 2009
Write comment |
Also I am currently not accepting applications until mid-March, where I can discuss my availability. http://nocuddling.com